Enduring to the End

 I think this was in 2020 or 2021

I just watched the memorial service for Lance Willis on youtube.  One nice thing that has come from the covid pandemic is that we have access to so many meetings and services on youtube.  The service was really good.  I’ve always loved and admired Lance. As a teenager, I did a lot of babysitting for him and Margie.  Really,  I can’t remember not knowing Lance, so  hearing stories about him today brought a feeling of my early life and strangely made me very lonely for my Mom and Dad.

Life has been a struggle lately so my emotions have been so close to the surface.  I always wish my folks were around when I feel like this.  They are the embodiment of “security”.  I always felt secure when I was with them.  Lately, I’ve felt anything BUT secure.

I feel safe when things are well planned and steady.  Our life is a roller coaster and it seems like nothing ever happens like I want it to or even how we think it will.  I try to figure out why everything goes wrong so that I can do something to fix the problem.  My mind races with possible reasons and I try to address them.  I feel weighed down because I feel like a failure.  I feel worthless because many times all the issues seem to paralyze me and I’m not serving and helping others like I want to and like I’m used to doing.  I feel guilty because I often find myself doubting God’s love for me and I feel like there must be something I’m doing that’s displeasing to Him.  It’s sad, feeling like you’re a disappointment to God.

I don’t want to blame my circumstances for my choices.  I’m fully aware that no matter what situation I’m in, I have the choice of how I’ll act and how I’ll respond - and maybe knowing that makes me think even less of myself.  I just know that the way I feel at this point in my life is SOOOOO DIFFERENT from the way I used to feel.  I’m a TOTALLY different person now, and I don’t like that person!

One of Lance’s sons told of an experience he had with his Dad.  They were discussing some challenges that Lance was having.  He didn’t mention particulars, but I wondered if it might be something to do with his progressing alzheimers.  The son said that he shared with Lance some of his ideas and thoughts about how he thought he should handle his challenges.  Lance listened and after a pause he said, “I’m going to endure to the end”.  That struck me.  Sometimes life stinks.  Sometimes life hands out unpleasant challenges and experiences.  There are endless choices of how to deal with the challenges but the bottom line is,we need to endure to the end;  I need to endure to the end.  So, I’m going to spend some time and break down some things, and then I’ll try to make a plan for how exactly I am going to endure to the end.